Chemo round 3

Tomorrow, Thursday the 20th is my next chemo. I do have mixed feelings about this. I look forward to dropping my prednisone dose another 20 mg. to 20 mg a day. I'm going into this round stronger than I went into the last month’s, which is good. Nonetheless, it still means I'm going to feel sick Friday. How sick, I don't know. Most likely not as sick as last month, given I'm stronger but … don't know.

Now that I'm starting to feel better, though still not up to pre-chemo levels, I just don't want get knocked down again, to feel worse, even though I have a reasonable expectation that I will continue to build strength over the next month. And, of course, it is natural to not want to feel bad. I try to go into my chemo session as positive as possible, knowing that that helps the process. And being honest about my feelings is also important.

So I've been working with my mixed feelings.

I bought 3 guided imagery CD’s from
Health Journey's . Teresa had brought home from Kaiser a CD on guided imagery for depression which Health Journeys published. I figured if Kaiser thought it was good, the company might be worth looking into. They have CD’s for all sorts of conditions, including sleep, chemo therapy, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. The web site had pretty good, standard information on heath and guided imagery so I ordered those three CD’s. Belleruth Naperstek does a great job with the CD’s. On the first track she gives good information about guided imagery and that it is not a substitute for treatment, but an aid to treatment. She is very sound in what she says. I have found the CD’s very helpful.

I think it was on the Lupus CD’s she talked about being honest about one’s emotions, which was a good reminder to me this morning. It’s OK for me to have mixed feelings about chemo, to acknowledge them, allow them to just be. I don't have to reject them, push them away, try to change them, just let them be. Then they will follow their own right and proper process. So I'm at peace with that, most the time. The prednisone is making me somewhat more emotional so I take that into account also.

And I know God is in all of this. The Kingdom of God is now. All I have to do is accept it as a little child and I know more about how to do that. So I find myself coming back to simple acceptance of what is, of my Beloved God, my Beloved Jesus right with me now, healing me, caring for me and gently asking me to pray for those who this very minute are facing chemo tomorrow. This helps. It really helps.