One darn thing after another

It's been awhile since I've blogged and things have been tough. I have really been going through mood swings with the prednisone, but thankfully that has settled down. Friday the 12th I developed hives. I was able to see a doctor that day, who thought the hives were reaction to one of my medications. He said the high dose of prednisone could have been hiding the allergic reaction. Now that I've gone to a lower dose the reaction would show now. He gave me an antihistamine to take, but that made my dizziness worse and didn't make much of a difference after three days. So I stopped taking it and tried to get in to see a doctor. They gave me an appointment with a dermatologist on June 7, even though I said the rash was getting worse. I have a previously scheduled appointment with my internist though on June 1. In the meantime, the rash is kind of running its course, and I think it will resolve itself overtime. It will be my luck that by the time I get to see a doctor again, the rash will be gone.

So I've been having a raging rash and raging hormones for a while now. I really do think things are beginning to calm down. Classes ended this Thursday, which helps. I have a bunch of papers work on this summer, but that's okay. Teresa and I are going on retreat, this Sunday for 10 days and I am so looking forward to it. I do hope that my next blog entry, which will be after retreat will have some positive things to report.

Update number two

I apologize for leaving, y'all hang on for about a week about what I'm doing healthwise. It's been a rough week. My doc took me of all the medications that she could, because just about every medication I'm on has a potential side effect of dizziness. Dizziness is one of those side effects like nausea and vomiting that can be a potential for any medication. I've been on a high dose of prednisone as part of the treatment regimen that goes with the chemotherapy. She had may go down from 20 mg to 10 mg, but I will still need to be on 10 mg for another three weeks. One has to go off high-dose prednisone gradually or you can get into real trouble. However, from past experience, I know I'm still pretty sensitive to 10 mg of prednisone. My emotions have been all over the place this week, and I think a big part of that is the dose of prednisone I'm on. Again, this is based on past experience. The prednisone could also be what's causing my dizziness. The dizziness or vertigo continued at about pretty much the same level and sometimes even worse until Friday. It has been ever so gradually decreasing since then. At its present rate, it will probably take several more days to go away, but at least it's going in the right direction.

So I’m doing my best to cope with all this. I do so appreciate everyone’s prayers.

On other topic – in regards to the Diocese of California’s election of a new bishop, read this account from an excellent and wise woman who as there.

Update

This last chemo hit me hard, which is why I have not blogged for awhile. Had problems with stomach pain and nausea and increased dizziness or vertigo. Went to the ER Sunday evening and was treated for dehydration – they gave me 2 liters of fluid IV and the same anti-nausea medicine they give me before chemo. Felt better after that but still had problems with vertigo. My doc suggested I try Dramamine. I took some Tuesday without any change so I tried the max recommended dose Wednesday morning. Within an hour or two it was worse, which was quite alarming to me. I didn’t connect it with the Dramamine, though. I called and left a message for my doc, then called the advice nurse as to whether I should head for the ER. She checked with a doc and said yes.

They did a CAT scan, EKG and lab, all of which checked out OK. My doc thought the dizziness was from the chemo – dizziness is a potential side effect of cytoxan and also prednisone -- , though I will see her Monday and there may be more tests if the vertigo has not abated significantly. It’s not as bad as Wednesday and I do think the Dramamine made the dizziness worse. Dizziness is a less common side effect of Dramamine.

We are stopping the Chemo treatments and this is a big relief to me. My kidney function labs have been normal for a couple of months now, except for one. That one is trending toward normal. Two years ago when I had kidney failure it was also the last one to go to normal. I will be seeing my doc on Monday and we will discuss next steps in treatment then.

Chemo round 3

Tomorrow, Thursday the 20th is my next chemo. I do have mixed feelings about this. I look forward to dropping my prednisone dose another 20 mg. to 20 mg a day. I'm going into this round stronger than I went into the last month’s, which is good. Nonetheless, it still means I'm going to feel sick Friday. How sick, I don't know. Most likely not as sick as last month, given I'm stronger but … don't know.

Now that I'm starting to feel better, though still not up to pre-chemo levels, I just don't want get knocked down again, to feel worse, even though I have a reasonable expectation that I will continue to build strength over the next month. And, of course, it is natural to not want to feel bad. I try to go into my chemo session as positive as possible, knowing that that helps the process. And being honest about my feelings is also important.

So I've been working with my mixed feelings.

I bought 3 guided imagery CD’s from
Health Journey's . Teresa had brought home from Kaiser a CD on guided imagery for depression which Health Journeys published. I figured if Kaiser thought it was good, the company might be worth looking into. They have CD’s for all sorts of conditions, including sleep, chemo therapy, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. The web site had pretty good, standard information on heath and guided imagery so I ordered those three CD’s. Belleruth Naperstek does a great job with the CD’s. On the first track she gives good information about guided imagery and that it is not a substitute for treatment, but an aid to treatment. She is very sound in what she says. I have found the CD’s very helpful.

I think it was on the Lupus CD’s she talked about being honest about one’s emotions, which was a good reminder to me this morning. It’s OK for me to have mixed feelings about chemo, to acknowledge them, allow them to just be. I don't have to reject them, push them away, try to change them, just let them be. Then they will follow their own right and proper process. So I'm at peace with that, most the time. The prednisone is making me somewhat more emotional so I take that into account also.

And I know God is in all of this. The Kingdom of God is now. All I have to do is accept it as a little child and I know more about how to do that. So I find myself coming back to simple acceptance of what is, of my Beloved God, my Beloved Jesus right with me now, healing me, caring for me and gently asking me to pray for those who this very minute are facing chemo tomorrow. This helps. It really helps.

Holy Saturday Reflections

It is Holy Saturday morning. Jesus is in His tomb, resting, Or is he Harrowing Hell ?

In some ways I like the image of Jesus just resting on this day. He has worked very, very hard all his life and he deserves a rest, a chance to just lay still for awhile. It is a comfort to me to think he is resting now, peaceable, his suffering and sorrow over.

Yet would he not be thinking of all those souls in hell, waiting for release? Would he not, after that stone had been rolled across the tomb, jump up from where they lay him, thinking, “Man, let’s go free those souls!”? Would he not leap with joy at the chance to bring salvation to all those people, to go find Judas, forgive him and bring him home?

Maybe he is doing both, resting inside and freeing others. Maybe he rested awhile, to share in the rest of the dead, and then rose to set all people, all creation free.

I reflect today on the service to come, the Great Vigil. I remember Holy Saturday Night services I have attended. Tonight I will be at All Souls hunkering down for the duration – I know it will be a long service – this parish does everything, they take their time, give each service its due. Last night’s Good Friday service lasted 1 hour and forty-five minutes. I knew it would be long one when the choir started to sing -- sing! The Passion. It was long and beautiful and God gave me a great blessing at the end of service, one I won’t forget.

But my heart tonight will also be at St. Michael’s , my home parish. I will not hear Deacon Mary Lou sing the Exultet. In fact I will hear no deacon sing the Exultet. All Souls does not have a deacon right now, though they do have a gentleman studying for the deaconate at the School of Deacons. I think deacons are cool, and a very, very, important part of the church. They lifted up the servant ministry that all of us are called to. They bring the concerns and needs of the world to the church, and the church into the world – again something we are all called to do. I think of the deacons who touch my life and bless me, which would be a long list if I named them all, and pray that all parishes everywhere may have the blessing of at least one deacon serving them.

So a blessed Easter to you all. May the grace of this Holy Season bring the whole Earth closer to peace.

Holy Week

This Holy Week marks the 25^th anniversary of one of the most profound healings in my life. 25 years ago I was in the fourth year of clinical major depression. There were times during this depression, that I was very suicidal. At one point I literally had the gun in my hand and only by a sheer act of will returned it to the good priest who had give it to me to protect myself from an anal orifice that was at that time breaking into women’s apartments and raping them . These were the most painful and difficult years of my life – nothing since has been as bad.

During those years I was in counseling, trying to figure why I was depressed, trying to get healed. My sexual orientation was coming to consciousness but I didn’t connect it with the depression. I had lots of reasons for being depressed. However, an amazing thing happened Holy Week 1981.

Holy Wednesday I was listening carefully to the Old Testament lesson:

The Lord God has given me
a well-trained tongue,
That I might know how to speak to the weary
a word that will rouse themt.
Morning after morning
he opens my ear that I may hear;
And I have not rebelled,
have not turned back.
I gave my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who plucked my beard
My face I did not shield
from buffets and spitting
the Lord God is my help,
therefore I am not disgraced;
I have set my face like flint,
knowing that I shall not be put to shame.
He is near who upholds my right;
if anyone wishes to oppose me,
let us appear together.
Who disputes my right?
Let him confront me.
See, the Lord god is my help.
Isaiah 50:4 – 9a

What I heard say to me was, "you can look at your sexuality and it will be OK." Well, I knew what my sexuality was. At that moment I felt such joy and peace. On Easter Sunday morning I felt the depression lift completely. It has never returned.

One may wonder how I got that out of the passage. A big part was I knew that if I accepted my sexuality I would face opposition. God though, would be my help. In this confidence and trust I could except my sexuality, and be healed

So I rejoice in remembering that time. Now I face a different healing challenge. I don't know if God will zap me on Easter like God did 25 years ago. Healing comes at many levels and in many different ways. In today's Old Testament lesson God says, "See, the former things have come to pass and new things I now declare; before they spring forth, I tell you of them." Isaiah 42: 9.

I am still weaker than I was before chemo, but at a greater level of strength and endurance than last month. I have a reasonable hope that I will continue to build strength and endurance as I continue with my treatments and great hope for putting this disease in remission. I greatly look forward for this Lent to be over with and an Easter to come, which to me as a sign I did Lent well.

Wishing you all a blessed and holy Holy Week.

Sophie Scholl

Teresa and I walked down to Shattuck Theater and watched Sophie Scholl this afternoon. This movie is incredibly powerful. Just go to the website and you will see what I mean. It is the true story of college co-ed in Nazi German whose non-violent resistance led to her death. The way she died, changed people’s lives.

This film is made possible because of transcripts of the Gestapo interrogations, which were hidden in East Germany, were released in 1990. The producers of the film spent hours interviewing people were close to the people involved with this case – family members, friends. The skill and diligence of the research is very evident. And the actors – what fine, fine actors!

Yes this is a must see film, on par with Schindler's list. For you Boiseans, it will be playing at the Flicks starting April 28^th.

It is a timely film, especially for our country today. We have an administration that lies through its teeth and is more secretive than any administration in recent memory. We have an administration that thinks it is above the law. We have an administration the deliberately exports fear for its own ends. It exploits racism to its own ends. What do you think this immigration thing is all about? It is about fear and blatant racism. I can only hope that enough fair minded people will appalled by the racist propaganda of the neo-cons to turn them out on their heads in the November elections. If not, well, we get the leaders we deserve.

"Nothing is so unworthy of a civilized nation as allowing itself to be governed without opposition by an irresponsible clique that has yielded to base instinct. . . Do not forget that every people deserves the regime it is willing to endure!" -- First leaflet of the White Rose

Climbing out of the valley of fatigue

Had a good day today. Teresa and I walked 20 minutes down to the Shattuck theater and watched Transamerica – indeed a great movie. Then we walked back home, an uphill walk and I did fine. Pretty exciting stuff as I know I could not have done that two days ago. I’ve learned from this is I can recover well when I listen to my body, rest and do exercise to tolerance. Saturday I pushed myself going to the James Finley workshop so needed lots of rest Sunday and Monday, which I got. I am so grateful for this day and the strength that is returning.

Down into the valley of fatigue

This time the chemo has hit me harder on the fatigue side of things. Some of this might be because the prednisone dose has been dropped 20 mg. to 40 mg and I’m feeling the fatigue more. The good news is I’m sleeping more. So thanks be to God its spring break and I am getting lots of rest and am able to catch up on sleep. In the long term this is a good thing. As energy and strength return, there will be more blogging. Got some things I want to commit on. In the meantime Rest!

Second round of Chemo tomorrow

Tomorrow I have my second round of chemo. Today I’m feeling pretty good, relatively speaking. I feel stronger, though I still get short of breathe easier than what I did before chemo. I’ve been able to workout logistics so that I can get the Cal Rec gym and do weights. Over the past week I’ve made some gains in muscle strength. One of the good things about working with weights is you can easily track progress. So I’m pleased that the muscle weakness is being reversed.

I will drop my prednisone dose 20 mg to 40 mg per day. Hopefully that will result in me getting a little more sleep. I’m not like really sleepy during the day – though sometimes I do feel that during class. I do lie down a couple times during the day and that helps. My mental processes seem to be doing Ok so I can continue to hang with this treatment.

I’m hoping that since I’m coming into this second round feeling pretty good, I won’t descend in the valley of fatigue for very long. I plan to rest, rest, rest this weekend and eat good food. I’ve learned a lot this month about dealing the fatigue and conserving energy so my hope is that this month will go well.

I look on this as a grand experiment. I not completely sure what will happen has I continue in treatment. There is an expected course but in medicine unexpected things can and do happen, both positive and ill. I have a healthy curiosity about what happens next, how this will go. My sense is that it will go fine. If not, I can deal with that, make adjustments and go on.

I do believe all the prayers for me are helping in wonderful ways. Tomorrow as I receive the chemo I will also take in all that wonder pray power. That thought alone keeps me positive – a very good thing! Thank you to all who are praying for me. To God be the Glory!

Scripture and Errors

Reflecting this morning on the experience of the studying deeply the four gospels over the past several weeks in New Testament class. Thinking about how each gospel tells the unique story of a community’s struggle to come to terms the challenges facing them in the lived context of their lives, struggling to come to terms with the presence of the Risen Christ in their midst, ever elusive, enigmatic, yet ever in your face, now we glimpse him, now we don’t.

Mark’s gospel – a call to return to God’s covenant, to care for one another as God care for us – a call to throw off Roman oppression by trust in God, opting out of the oppressive economic and political system of the Roman’s and the Temple – a plea to not seek a military solution, to seek a military Son of David to save them – a plea that went unheeded and Jerusalem was destroyed.

Matthew’s gospel – Reclaim your Jewish Roots! Jesus is the fulfillment of the Law and Prophets. Build a fence around Torah by loving more than the Torah requires.

Luke’s Gospel – inclusive table fellowship – extend the banquet of God, the feast of God to all people. Exclude no one.

John’s Gospel – Ah, here is a struggle! John’s community, their experience of Jesus as Bread of Life, the Light of the World, the Logos, that very high Christology, well, it’s not been so well received by some of their Jewish brethren. They aren’t listening to us, this community cries. They don’t believe the signs Jesus himself show us and them. We need to separate ourselves, set ourselves apart until they come to their senses.

Each Gospel has a unique story to tell, lesson to learn and live. Some of those lessons are about how the community got it wrong. God in Her wisdom does not dictate the truth to us. She wants us to develop our minds, hearts and spirits – to think – to love God with our whole minds, to learn to discern what is life giving from that which brings death. So God, in Her wisdom has allowed Scripture to come to us imperfect, with errors, so that we may not worship the words of the text, but listen to the Living Word speaking through the text. “See, my child, John didn’t quite get it right here, but here, yes, he got it right. Now let me take you deeper into the meaning of these words.”

Now in New Testament we will get into the mind of Paul. I look forward to learning more about Paul and his struggles. Paul is another person who got some things very right – 1 Corinthians 13 and some things quite wrong – 1 Corinthians 14:34, for example.

I truly believe that “All scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,” 2 Timothy 3:16, but not in the way many Christians think. I’m not saying the God inspired errors in Scripture. When God inspired humans to write Scripture, God is did not violate our free will, our humanness, our finite knowledge of God. So we fallible humans misunderstand what God was trying to say at times. And that’s OK because the Spirit is ever with us to guide us, if we slow down, be still and admit we don’t comprehend God perfectly, if we are humble and admit we do make mistakes, correct them and move on in the joy and love of God.

Spammers

Looks like my blog is getting hit by spammers - those two comments on March 15th that had nothing to do with my blog. I'm going to start monitoring the comments so your comments may not show up right away. I'm probably going to have a bit of a learning curve to get this tweaked right so please bear with me. Thanks

A Blessed Day

Tilden Park

I am so blessed. Even in my infirmity I am blessed. Had beautiful walk in Tilden Park. Everyone I met on the trail was smiling. The sky was smiling, the clouds, the trees. Nature rejoicing in the glory of her Creator.

I’m listening to the music CD for the Book of Uncommon Prayer. It’s an incredible CD. Gotta read the book.

Good appointments with my docs yesterday. Kidney function is good. Cell counts did not drop but improved after this first treatment. I’m ready for the next round.

Aye, I am blessed.

Rejoice with me

I slept last night. Good sleep from 9 to 5. No classes today so will take more opportunity for rest. Another good thing – If my body is too tired to even sit up at my workstation and work, I can unhook my lap top, get comfy on the couch, my body fully supported and can continue working with less expenditure of energy. I love my lap top. If you are interested, it’s a Dell Inspiron 600M. I’ve notice that Star Gate SG-1 and Star Gate Atlantis are using Dell laptops on their sets. – Ah the joy of product placement!

Also, I know, in my heart and body that all your prayers are helping. They help my spirits when I feel discouraged or worried about how bad this may get when I feel weaker. I believe they are helping when I feel better and I’ve done nothing different. I think they work along with the physical interventions I and my docs are doing to bring healing. Thank-you. You are making a difference in my life.

Went to a very intellectually stimulating lecture on Thomas Aquinas titled “Language Without Reduction - Aquinas on the Linguistic Turns” I’m sure these last sentence solidifies my status as a church geek! :-) The presenter was Fr. Anselm Ramelow, OP (Dominican Priest – Order of Preachers), a German theologian. I was very pleased I could hang with him and his argument, given my knowledge of Aquinas has come in dribs and drabs through the years. I have an interest in language and as a software engineer I was working with very real languages so I could relate to how he was teaching on that level.

What was exciting to me is that in my liturgy class that afternoon, Rev. Professor Louis Weil talked about the problem in our culture where we have lost the idea and understanding of symbol. In many ways we are on one hand very literal in our use of words and on the other hand very cynical in regards to use of words. Ours is a spin culture now. Our leaders speak words to conceal their true intent. They call evil good and good evil. This is a tragic sickness that impedes the communication of truth, love and spiritual wisdom.

Eucharist and Infirmity

One of the difficulties I'm experiencing with my treatment regimen is waking up after four or 5 hours of sleep and not being able to return to sleep. I chalk this up to the effects of my high-dose prednisone. I do take a sleeping pill from time to time, but it's not totally effective.

One of the ways to cope with that is to meditate in bed, using various meditation techniques I know. I will start with centering prayer, and then if I don't fall to sleep I use various meditation tapes to enter a deep state of rest. I don't sleep, but at least I'm resting and have energy when I get up in the morning.

Other times like this morning, I find myself thinking, or perhaps anxious. If I sense I have the energy to deal with the task that is calling me, then I will get up. I have been thinking about Eucharist and its meaning to me, especially in relationship with my present illness.

To me the bread on the altar is not just bread that will become Christ's own body. It is also my body there on the altar, along with everyone else body. Indeed the whole world's there. But I digress. I am there on that shelter offering my body in union with Christ. When the body of Christ is broken at the fraction rite, so is my body broken to become bread for the world.

And yes my body is a broken body. I have kidney disease. My kidneys are inflamed too. They are not filtering proteins. My body is weakening and is fatigued. My immune system is out of whack, and it's attacking parts of my body. Yet has my body becomes the body of Christ in holy Eucharist and I receive from Christ in the person of the Eucharistic minister; His own body, the bread of heaven, in that moment, at a real and mysterious level, I receive healing, and the whole world receives healing with me.

I believe that all infirm persons who choose to enter into this healing process at a deep spiritual level, participate in the healing the world. The world is being saved through sick people. God chooses the things that are not to confound the things that are.

1 Corinthians 1:27-31 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, so that no one might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, in order that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

I recall again the words of that honest bigot in Angels in America, Roy Cohn.” The worst thing about being sick in America, Ethel, is you are booted out of the parade. Americans have no use for the sick. .It’s just no country for the infirm.”

Roy is oh so right. Yet my heart responds, the infirmed have a place in the Body of Christ. We are at the front of the parade. God has a plan, a purpose, a use if you will, for us.

One of my heroes in this strange place of odd-duckednss call CDSP is Will Hocker. He is a third year seminary with full blown AIDS. He preached a powerful sermon on healing in chapel on Advent. I commend it to you for your own reflections this Lent.

Webcams and Med Update

Rainy morning in Berkeley but blue skies coming.

There is a wonderful webcam on top the Berkeley ridge that lets me know what weather is coming. It’s the San Francisco Bay View from Lawrence Hall of Science link in the sidebar to the right. I’ve posted my favorite webcams there for your own enjoyment.

Healthwise, I am really dealing with increased fatigues, increase shortness of breath and decrease muscle strength. The 47 stair steps to the chapel are getting more daunting. I’m trying to think of workarounds for that. Yes, I can pray at home, and I do, but I like going to chapel, to pray with my community.

I take the increase weakness, fatigue to be due to the effect of the chemo on my bone marrow, meaning I have fewer red blood cells to get oxygen to my tissues. Also I’m high dose prednisone which can cause muscle wasting. For one who likes to exercise, be strong and healthy – aye it is distressing. I grieve my loss. Yet I approach this like a rehab nurse, one of my previous nursing practices. I try to do as much as I can within the limits of my infirmity. Yes there are things I can’t do right now, like hiking high in the Berkeley hills, but there are others things I can do. I can still walk and enjoy the little walks I can take.

When I was hospitalized for a month two years ago, I came home very debilitated. I came back from that. When I get off this prednisone, I will rebuild this body again and continue in the Lord’s work. I take comfort in that.

In the mean time I had labs drawn Friday that might shed light on the exact cause of my fatigue. I see my nephrologist on St. Paddy’s day and we will discuss any treatment options that might help with the fatigue. I’ll keep you all posted.

Peace and blessings during this Holy Lent

el Tren de la Muerte (The Train of Death)

I was pawing through today's San Francisco Chronicle when I came to the Book Review section. There was a headline that gripped me, "A child's nightmare ride". This picture broke my heart and felt me crying at the breakfast table.

Enrique’s Journey, The Story of a Boy's Dangerous Odyssey to Reunite With His Mother by Sonia Nazario -- well, doesn't the title say everything, unless you are not aware of the reality of Latina Mothers who come to our rich country, who work in menial jobs, to send money back so their children may live? Our economic policies perpetuate this terrible reality. Read the review. Get the book. It is true.

Perhaps this review hit me hard because I too am now far away from my mother and I miss her. I can understand why young children would undertake an impossible journey on the chance they could find their mothers. Oh how their mother's must worry about them!

Perhaps it grabbed me because of a Latina woman I met standing in line at the Kaiser pharmacy. She is a young mother, a grad student and very anxious that she was missing class because of the long line we were both caught in. She also works for an agency that helps Latinos and Latinas who end up of the Bay Area, looking for work. Many now come from Central America. Some don't even speak Spanish, but speak their native Mayan. I sense that Enrique's Journey is lived by many people in the Bay Area, my home state of Idaho and all over the U. S.

I celebrate Lent, face fully Lent, because of stories like these. I am a woman of unclean lips who lives among a people of unclean lips.

God spoke through his prophet Amos to the rich in Israel,

"I will tear down the winter house as well as the summer house;
and the houses of ivory shall perish,
and the great houses shall come to an end,
says the Lord.

Hear this word, you cows of Bashan
who are on Mount Samaria,
who oppress the poor, who crush the needy,
who say to their husbands, ‘Bring something to drink!’
The Lord God has sworn by his holiness:
The time is surely coming upon you,
when they shall take you away with hooks,
even the last of you with fish-hooks.
Through breaches in the wall you shall leave,
each one straight ahead;
and you shall be flung out into Harmon,
says the Lord. " Amos 3:15 - 4:3

Yes, this was a time long ago but the situation is so damn similar to us here in the USA today.

What to do.

First, ask God what is your part in bring justice to the poor. Then listen. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your ears. Listen with your heart. Listen with your mind.

God's promise:
"I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Do not be like a horse or a mule, without understanding, whose temper must be curbed with bit and bridle, else it will not stay near you." Psalm 32:8-9

God gave us minds to think with, hearts to feel with, eyes to see with, ears to hear with. Use them.

A Wall

Rain pours down outside, pounding the street, the roof. The predicted storm has come.. It is almost comforting to hear that rain. It came, it will endure and it will pass away. There will be beautiful clearing. The Bay Area is so beautiful after a rain. The air is crystal clear, fresh, invigorating. Everything has an exquisite sharpness to it, an aliveness.

I need these thoughts this night. Yesterday I hit The Wall. Hmmm. I’d rather call it “a wall”. "The Wall" sounds too permanent. It gives it too much power. Yesterday started at 2:30 A.M. with nervous energy, prednisone energy. I’m on high dose of prednisone now. In the past when I’ve been on high dose prednisone I didn’t sleep well, had this nervous, sometimes hyper energy. I’ve been looking for that since I started the high dose last Thursday, trying to be aware of the prednisone’s affect in my body without inducing the placebo effect.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were relatively good days for me, with recovering energy. I started thinking, “Gee, if this is all there is to this Chemo, I’ll be fine.” I felt some trepidation though at what the coming nadir of the chemo therapy would be like. Nadir means lowest point and in terms of Chemo Therapy, the point of greatest impact on the bone marrow. From the bone marrow's point of view, it’s point of lowest production of blood cells. Bone marrow is a marvelous organ that makes our red and white blood cells. That’s where they come from baby.

The Oncology Nurse told me the nadir would be in seven days. So I will have decreasing cell counts until Thursday afternoon or so. That will make me more prone to infection and increasing fatigue. How much depends on my body’s response to the medication.

Yesterday I could feel increase weakness, fatigue coming on. By afternoon my legs were telling me they just could not walk much anymore, too tired. I knew I would need to miss Evening Prayer in the Chapel. That was a bummer. I enjoy worshiping with my fellow seminarians. I enjoy hearing the Word of God proclaimed. I enjoy the prayers and times we sing. But that takes energy. The walk up those stairs takes energy. Sometime I can manage it and sometimes not. Wednesday afternoon those stairs loomed in mind like a great barrier and I knew it was not in my body to surmount them. I was so bummed.

Rested as I could last evening. Went to bed early. Had an awful dream. A bee was attacking me. I was trying to get someplace in Boise and the thing I was on – sometimes a car, sometimes a motorcycle, sometimes a bicycle – had a flat tire. The darn bee was keeping me from fixing the tire. It kept attacking me and I would whack back at it and it would sting me. It had the most exquisite deep, bright blue wings or some part of its body though. Its color intrigued me.

Ok, you guys who do dream work. What do you think?

I’m too tired to think now. I’m winding down and will head back to bed. I did read some of Alicia Parlette’s last journal entry. I have her link on the side bar -- Alicia's Story - Cancer, Despair, Hope and Faith. In this entry she talks about her fatigue. I could really relate to her experience of planning an outing and then not having the energy to do all the plans. It was a comfort to me to read her story. I’m not the only one dealing with fatigue and frustrated plans. Alicia keeps going though, doing what she can, finding the real beauty in life that really, really is there, whatever our state of life. She is honest about her frustration, pain and courage. Such is the path that I too try to walk.

Treating Disease with Compassion

This post is in response to Elizabeth’s question about how to treat disease, addiction with compassion. My practice comes from two teachers. The first one is Steven Levine. He is one of the most balanced spiritual teachers I have every come across. You can get a feel for him on this website, Thinking Allowed. Then go have fun on Soundtrue.com or Amazon. One of the things I’ve learned from him is to send lovingkindness and compassion into wounds and illness. Notice that when you get a cold, you get mad at it. You stub your toe, you curse it. This is sending hate and anger into the wound. Instead, send lovingkindness into the wound. Send compassion, which means doing the concrete things it needs to relieve suffering. This helps you to relate to the pain, not from the pain.

The next teacher is Pema Chödrön. She teaches a Tibetan practice called tonglen. The basic principle is to breathe in what is hurtful, painful, in yourself or others. Breathe this into your heart, into the depth of your soul. Breathe with your whole body, your skin. Then breathe out into the pain what it needs for healing. I like this practice because it affirms the inner divinity of people. When you breathe a wound or evil into your heart, you are breathing it into God. There, in your heart and God’s heart it is transmuted, healed, transformed into good. Breathing out, into the pain breathes God and our own compassion into the pain, the evil. This helps me to open to my own pain and to not be afraid of another's pain. There are other principles around the practice of tonglen so do go to the website.

Now Pema teaches this practice without using the word God. In my humble opinion, Buddhists talk about God a lot without naming God. They teach us how to love and God is love. To me, the New Testament tells us what to do – love. The Buddhists tell us how to do it.

Post Chemo Day Two

In nursing we have a terminology to mark the days of recovery from surgery. The day of surgery is called, the Day of Surgery. Ah, here is a piece of jargon that clearly says what going on. Say to anyone “Day of Surgery” and they’ll know what you mean. Then we get into the days following surgery. We call them post-op day one, post-op day two, and so forth. What might be a little confusing is on post-op day one, you’ve already been into the surgery-recovery process two days! This may go back to the problem the human mind has with zero. Zero tends to mean nothing or no-thing. But zero can also mean a starting point. When we count down for a rocket lift off, the lift off doesn’t start at one. It starts at zero. Day of surgery is Zero day, as it were. So in our human minds, sometimes we start counting at one, and sometimes we start counting at zero. It can be confusing.

Still, the terminology can be useful. Day of Surgery is an important day with its own unique characteristics and events. You go in for surgery. You get striped down to that silly little gown or huge gown, depending on body size (one size fits none). They put you under. You get cut on. You wake up in recovery. That only happens on Day of Surgery. I think you can extend this paradigm to chemo therapy.

From this point I am speaking mainly from my own very recent experience. I have worked in General Surgery, taking care of patients after their surgery. I have not worked in oncology, taking care of cancer patients, though I have had some training in that as part of my nursing education.

Day of Chemo – you go in. The nurse starts an IV on you, takes you vital signs (pulse, respirations, blood pressure, and temp.) and starts to pump a variety of chemicals, medicines into your body. You sit or lay back in big, fairly comfortable chair for a number of hours while the medicines are pumped in.

On my first Day of Chemo, I knew this going in so I brought school work to read – on Pastoral Theology no less, and a cassette tape to listen to if I liked – David Whyte’s The Soul’s Desire. He has a cool website, great one for the poet seeker in us. I also brought a CD player and Hildegard of Bingen. So I was prepared.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the need for conversation, conversation between me and Teresa – very important – and the need for conversation between me and the nurses who took care of me. So I didn’t get 4 hours of study done but other work, important work was done.

Day of Chemo went really well. I felt great, just maybe a little strange after a good 1000 cc’s of fluid and chemicals pumped into my body, but nothing big. I did work with visualization and relaxation and prayer and things were cool. It was like, is that all there is? Wow.

Then came Post Chemo Day One. I gained seven; yes count them, seven pounds. My legs felt like tree trucks. I called my doc and felt a message on her machine at 5 AM (That’s when I usually get up). As the day progressed I felt worse and worse. My stomach hurt, I was very tired. I did what I could. Doc called back at 11, ordered some Lasix for me, and later that afternoon Teresa was so kind as to drive into Richmond (20 minutes to 30 minutes away, depending on traffic) to get the med for me. I’m glad she could do that. By 3 o’clock I was feeling pretty puny.

Now it is Post Chemo Day Two. I’ve lost eight pounds. The Lasix worked. Doc ordered it PRN, as needed, so I’m not going to take it today to see if one dose is sufficient.

So much of medicine is trail and error. This is a fact of life and as a patient and a nurse, I’ve learned to go with that. Aye, I do wish we could just take a test, get the med and be done with it. Life and health just don’t work that way a lot of the time. Sometimes they do, though, and that’s the confusing part. I think the key thing is to be in relationship with want you are seeking to heal, not just take the med and ignore it.

God knows though, I’ve done a whole lot of ignoring with my disease process. Ignoring it is not all bad. It’s not good for the disease to run your life. The thing is to be in relationship with it in a right and proper way. It does have a place in your life. It’s there in your body. Relate to it with lovingkindness and compassion. Your heart will then feel the way forward for healing. This is easier said than done. I know from experience. It takes practice. Our culture does not teach this. And I am shamed to say my institutional church does not teach this very well. I have yet to hear a sermon about treating illness with compassion and lovingkindness. You can find the teaching in the Episcopal Church if you dig for it. I have, but I had to dig. I got this teaching elsewhere. Then I could see it in my own tradition.

So this morning I’m feeling better, but still a little puny. Hopefully with some more rest I’ll be back up to speed. I find peace though, when I return to this fact that God sustains me and loves me in my puniness. When I rest in that puniness, let go into the puniness, healing comes forth, not just for me, but for the whole world too.